


abnormal

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Codependency, Explicit Sexual Content, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, aka they have sex again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 08:35:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17484779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It’s Donghyuck who finds him first.Or: The aftermath ofnormal. Johnny and Donghyuck try to find where they fit against each other again.





	abnormal

**Author's Note:**

> trust me to write a pwp and then catch feelings… set after normal but i think it works fine as a standalone with the understanding that some dubious shit happened between johnny and donghyuck. 
> 
>  
> 
> (normal has also been edited so that it is less of a posted-at-4am mess lol)

It’s Donghyuck who finds him first. 

Johnny’s alone in his room, sitting on his bed with his back against the wall, eyes closed. Taeyong’s bed across the room is empty and Johnny knows that a few doors down, Jaehyun’s bed is empty too. 

The first few nights back had Johnny waking up in the middle of the night, tense and with laboured breathing. One night Taeyong had woken up too and placed a hand on his shoulder trying to calm him from his nightmare, only for Johnny to look at Taeyong right in the eyes and flinch back, not recognising him for a split-second. After that, they mutually agreed it was best if Johnny had the room to himself. 

It’s been two weeks since, and Johnny hasn’t slept.

That’s a bit of exaggeration. He’s slept, in fits and bursts, but his dreams make him remember everything he’s been trying to forget. The bags under his eyes have been growing each day, and Johnny’s ignored every single worried stare the other members and his managers give him when they think he isn’t looking. It’s easier though—it’s easier to fight off sleep than to dream of Donghyuck.

Donghyuck, who appears every time Johnny closes his eyes to sleep and has him waking up in the middle of the night hard and so fucking guilty. He still remembers the feeling of Donghyuck in his arms, the warmth of him, the _heat_ of him, and the dreams make the dirty memories so much easier to keep. Sometimes it’s not even of that day, sometimes it’s even worse: Donghyuck looking up at him through under his eyelashes, straddled over Johnny’s hips, saying in a sweeter, sultrier tone, _Touch me_ —

It’s easier to fight off sleep. Johnny would never sleep another day if it’d erase what he did to Donghyuck.

Johnny doesn’t know exactly why Jaehyun left his room with Donghyuck, but by the way that the members have been throwing not-so-subtle looks at Donghyuck too, it’s bad. He tries not to think much about Donghyuck, but that’s where Donghyuck should be, sleeping in his bed, hopefully peacefully, but Donghyuck—

Donghyuck’s standing at the door frame to Johnny’s room, clutching a pillow to his chest like a lifeline, staring at Johnny. 

Johnny had opened his eyes when he heard the twist of the doorknob, the creak of the door opening, but he stares at Donghyuck like it’s a dream. He’s definitely had unwanted dreams where this happened.

“What are you doing here?” Johnny asks when Donghyuck hasn’t moved. 

It gives Donghyuck the courage to step more into the room, to shut the door behind him. Johnny’s traitorous brain thinks about his dreams. If this was a dream what would happen next is Donghyuck would cross the room, climb into Johnny’s bed, take his place in Johnny’s lap— 

Johnny shakes his head and chooses to focus on the way Donghyuck walks to the edge of the bed. He still has a death grip on the pillow in his arms.

“I can’t sleep,” Donghyuck says. If the bags under Johnny’s eyes are bad, Donghyuck’s are the same if not worse. Donghyuck looks at the bed as he speaks, “Can I sleep here?”

Johnny knows what Donghyuck means, but still, he says, “Sure, Taeyong’s bed is free.”

Donghyuck looks up into Johnny’s eyes like the can see through them into Johnny’s brain. “I meant…” Donghyuck starts. He doesn’t finish, only looking to the small space to Johnny’s left. 

This isn’t okay. Johnny shouldn’t sleep next to Donghyuck, not after what happened. Donghyuck shouldn’t be _okay_ with sleeping next to Johnny either. But Johnny can’t say no to Donghyuck. He isn’t allowed to. Not after… everything.

So Johnny lets him.

The bed isn’t big enough, not for the two of them, and Johnny means to keep a distance but when Donghyuck slips under the covers, there’s no room. Donghyuck sidles in close, lifting Johnny’s arm so he fits in the space between. 

They don’t talk after that, but every spot that they touch each other feels like it burns. He can feel Donghyuck’s breath on his collarbones, Donghyuck’s hair tickling the underside of Johnny’s chin. Even under torture, time passes, and soon enough Johnny sees the steady rise and fall of Donghyuck’s chest. He’s fast asleep.

He doesn’t mean to, but Johnny falls asleep to the even sound of Donghyuck’s breaths.

It’s the first night since, that he doesn’t dream.

*

His manager books him an appointment with a counsellor and drives him to their office before Johnny can even process it.

 _You need to talk to someone_ , his manager had said when he first brought it up. _It was a traumatic experience for the both of you. Talking will help._ And then, with troubled eyes, _Please, just give it a go. Everyone’s worried about you._

That’s why Johnny’s here, sitting in a leather armchair that makes Johnny feel too small and swallowed up in despite it being a just fit. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” the counsellor asks. She’s a middle-aged woman who looks at Johnny with a kind and patient smile. He doesn’t feel like he deserves it. 

How can Johnny talk about it? How can Johnny tell her about the dreams, about how he can only sleep with Donghyuck right next to him even though he shouldn’t be, how he hasn’t drunk water from a bottle since?

How can Johnny possibly say that when he spoke to the police after they were found, he kept waiting for the other shoe to drop? He was sure one of the policemen talking to Donghyuck would walk over to him, handcuffs at the ready to arrest him.

The policeman talking to Johnny saw him staring at Donghyuck. _Hey, he’s fine now,_ the police had said gently, mistaking his silence for apprehension. _We’ll find whoever did this._

Johnny just barely stopped himself from saying, _It was me. I did something wrong. I did that to Donghyuck. I wanted him. It was wrong, but I wanted him and I took that from him._

Johnny didn’t even _kiss_ Donghyuck but he took that from him.

He assaulted—

Johnny stops. It’s hard for him to even think it. 

He shakes his head at the counsellor’s question. She just nods and writes something down in her notebook, but Johnny swears he can feel her disappointment.

Johnny’s disappointed in himself too.

*

They don’t outwardly talk about it, but every night when it’s late enough that the other members have all gone to bed, Donghyuck goes to Johnny’s room.

It’s routine now for Donghyuck to slide into Johnny’s bed and tuck himself under Johnny’s arm. Johnny doesn’t let him think about how he anticipates it now, how he lies in bed pretending to be asleep until the door creaks open and Donghyuck walks in.

There are less worried stares at the both of them, the bags under their eyes decreasing as each night passes.

No one knows what happened between them. Johnny hasn’t spoken a word about it; he doesn’t want to see the judgement of his closest friends, his family even. He doesn’t want to see their trust in him turn into looks of disgust. By the way that no one has looked at Johnny like he’s the scum of the earth, he can guess that Donghyuck hasn’t said anything either. He doesn’t know why.

He does know that if they knew, they wouldn’t agree with this, but Johnny can’t help wanting it.

It’s the only way Johnny can sleep.

*

Johnny can only tell this night is different from how long Donghyuck stays awake.

It’s a habit for him to wait until Donghyuck’s asleep before he drifts off too. There’s something calming knowing that Donghyuck is right next to him, sleeping safe and sound in his arms. So when two hours pass after the time Donghyuck usually goes to sleep, Johnny knows something is up.

What he doesn’t expect is this: Donghyuck shifting his head slightly and pressing a kiss to Johnny’s chest over his shirt. 

His breath hitches. At first, he thinks it was an accident until Donghyuck does it again. “Donghyuck,” Johnny says, voice tight, “what are you doing?”

Donghyuck doesn’t answer. He sits up slightly, Johnny watching him frozen, and then straddles a leg over Johnny’s waist.

It isn’t a dream this time, even though so many dreams before had this happening. It isn’t a dream because the warmth of Donghyuck on top of him is too real, and even though his dreams were as close to reality as it gets, there’s a difference. Johnny’s felt the heat of Donghyuck’s skin before. 

Donghyuck rolls his hip once, grinds down, and Johnny can feel Donghyuck hard against his stomach. 

Johnny grips Donghyuck’s hips, his hands fitting there, and it reminds him so much of the last time he held Donghyuck’s hips. “What are you doing?” Johnny repeats. 

Donghyuck presses his lips together, but he’s looking at Johnny with determination. “I don’t want the only time we’ve had sex to be because someone made us.”

It hits him in the chest with full force. How long has Donghyuck been thinking about this?

“We don’t—we shouldn’t have sex again,” Johnny says. His hands would shake if they weren’t gripped tight to Donghyuck’s hips. “We didn’t even have sex last time,” Johnny continues. He takes a deep breath, lets the air out of his mouth shakily. “I assaulted you.”

It’s out in the open now, the words that Johnny struggled to even think about.

Donghyuck makes a noise of distress. “Hyung,” he says, quietly. “You didn’t.”

“I did,” Johnny says, shaking his head. “You should’ve had your first time with someone else. Someone who didn’t take advantage of you.”

“You didn’t,” Donghyuck says, shaking his head too. “Hyung, you drank the water too.”

“I only took a sip.”

“Even if it wasn’t the water, you helped me,” Donghyuck says. “I don’t regret it was you. I’m glad you were with me in that room.”

It’s too much. Johnny can’t take Donghyuck trying to calm him down, not after what he did. “I didn’t even _kiss_ you,” Johnny says, voice breaking. “I just fucking _took_.”

Donghyuck leans down and kisses Johnny quick. His lips are warm and soft. “You’ve kissed me now,” Donghyuck says, sadly. His hands cup Johnny’s face. “I didn’t know you felt this way.”

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“You saved me,” Donghyuck says, face so close to Johnny’s. “I felt like I was going to die. It hurt so much. But you helped.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“But that’s what happened.” Donghyuck looks at him, pleadingly. “Please, just believe me. Hyung, you helped me.”

Johnny takes a deep breath. He doesn’t really believe him. “I’ll try.”

Donghyuck shifts and leans down to hug him, and that’s when Johnny notices the heat still pressing against his stomach. Donghyuck’s still half hard and experimentally, Johnny rolls his hips only to hear Donghyuck whine embarrassingly loud next to his ear. 

“I still want this,” Donghyuck says, sitting up. He grinds his hips down again, and Johnny can feel the arousal pooling at his gut. “But if you don’t want to, that’s fine.”

Johnny wasn’t in the right mind the first time, but maybe this is a chance to make it right. 

“Are you sure you want this?” Johnny asks. He needs to be sure. Donghyuck eyes are on Johnny, but he’s rolling his hips ever so slightly like he can’t help himself. Johnny tightens his hands on Donghyuck’s hips, and he whines.

“I’m sure,” Donghyuck says, nodding, and that’s all it takes for Johnny to flip them over so Donghyuck’s below him, lying flat on the bed.

Donghyuck makes a noise of confusion which turns into a moan when Johnny noses at his neck and presses an open-mouthed kiss there.

“Let me do this,” Johnny says, peppering Donghyuck’s neck with kisses. He feels the rumble of Donghyuck’s _okay_ in his throat. 

Johnny spends his time there, kissing at the skin and finding the places that make Donghyuck shiver. He pulls off Donghyuck’s shirt to get at more skin and takes off his shirt too to feel the heat of Donghyuck’s smooth skin directly against his chest. He didn’t get to lather Donghyuck with attention the first time, and he’s hoping with all his strength that this time will erase the memory of Donghyuck’s first. 

Johnny takes care not to leave marks on Donghyuck’s neck, wary of the attention of the other members, but the rest of Donghyuck is fair game. He nips at the skin right above Donghyuck’s left nipple, sucking a bruise there as his right hand thumbs Donghyuck’s right nipple. He can feel it pebble underneath his fingertips, the nub hardening, and Johnny pinches at it as he licks at Donghyuck’s left nipple. Donghyuck gasps, his back arching off the bed for more.

He continues licking and pinching Donghyuck’s nipples until he’s writhing under Johnny. By the end of it, his nipples are puffy and swollen and Johnny is completely hard, his length pressed against Donghyuck’s leg.

Johnny peppers kisses down Donghyuck’s belly, nosing at the smooth skin there. When he reaches the waistband of Donghyuck’s pyjama pants he looks up, and Donghyuck is staring at him, chest heaving with his uneven breaths.

“Can I?” Johnny asks, fingers dipping into the waistband of the pyjama pants. Donghyuck nods, and Johnny makes quick work of it, stripping him of both his pyjama pants and boxers.

He has more time to pay attention now, and Johnny admires the slight curve of Donghyuck’s cock to the left. He reaches out to stroke it, but Donghyuck sits up and stops Johnny with a hand on his wrist.

“Wait,” Donghyuck says. His face is flushed with arousal. “Your pants too.”

Johnny laughs slightly, pulling Donghyuck in for a tender kiss before taking his pants off too. When he looks back, Donghyuck’s lying flat against the bed again, bottom lip between his teeth, hand stroking his cock as he stares at Johnny. Johnny will never admit it, but it’s an ego boost.

He leans back down, and knocks Donghyuck’s hand away, replacing it with his own. “Has anyone ever?” Johnny asks, mouth close enough to Donghyuck’s cock that his breath makes it twitch.

Donghyuck stares at him wide-eyed. “No one,” he breathes. Johnny smiles at him encouragingly before he licks the tip and mouths at the head. 

It’s not hard to get Donghyuck close. It’s only minutes later before Donghyuck’s hands are in his hair, pulling. He’s still as responsive as before, so _eager_ , and it reminds Johnny that Donghyuck is inexperienced. He’s new to this, and Johnny is the one giving him his first few times. There’s a war of emotions going on in his head at that thought, so to distract himself he glances up at Donghyuck whose head is turned and is biting the pillowcase to keep quiet.

After another minute, Donghyuck says, “Wait, don’t.” He tugs at Johnny’s hair. “Stop.” 

Johnny pulls back like he’d been burned. 

Donghyuck seems to notice the sudden change, and he gestures for Johnny to come closer. Johnny leans over him, careful not to press all of his weight onto him, and lets Donghyuck kiss him.

“I’m not gonna last,” Donghyuck says, in between kisses. His taste is still in Johnny’s mouth. “I want you inside.”

Johnny kisses the side of Donghyuck’s mouth, before latching back onto his neck. “We don’t have to,” Johnny says, licking at the smooth skin. “I can just get you off.”

Donghyuck’s leg moves to press against Johnny’s hard on. The pressure makes him moan, and a part of him is cursing Johnny out for even suggesting that but Johnny is doing this for Donghyuck. He always is.

“I want to,” Donghyuck says, lifting Johnny’s face. The arousal is still there, but his eyes are clear, and Johnny can never say no to him anyway.

“Okay,” Johnny relents. He kisses him again. “Let me grab some stuff.”

He comes back with lube and condoms and tosses them onto the bed. Donghyuck eyes the condom with a look of disdain. “Do we have to?” he asks.

The temptation is there at full force. Johnny already knows the feeling of sinking in bare, feeling the heat of Donghyuck in all its intensity but Johnny just shakes his head. “We have to,” he says, pouring lube onto his fingers to distract himself from the option.

Donghyuck is tense when Johnny presses his finger to his hole. “Relax,” Johnny says, running his free hand down Donghyuck’s side to soothe him. Donghyuck breathes in deeply and loosens up enough that Johnny can get his finger in. He bites off his moan at the entrance, and Johnny takes his time, drawing his finger in and out slowly like the moans he draws out from Donghyuck’s mouth.

He kisses the inside of Donghyuck’s thigh, distracting him as he adds the second finger. His hole accepts the intrusion easier than the first finger. 

Johnny scissors his fingers, rubs the pads of them across the walls until Donghyuck’s bucking up into Johnny’s hand. The third finger is a tight fit but the way Donghyuck full-body shudders at Johnny fucking his fingers in and out makes it worth it. 

“Hyung,” Donghyuck says after Johnny has spent his time fucking his hole with his fingers. “I’m ready.”

Johnny nods. His hands shake trying to open the condom packet, and he takes his time rolling it on to collect himself. 

The press of the head of his cock against Donghyuck’s hole is the same as he remembers it, and a part of him still feels dirty when he the tip goes in, but the feeling dissipates slightly when Donghyuck grabs one of his hands and intertwines their fingers together. Donghyuck was already close, and it doesn’t take much to push him over the edge. Johnny thrusts slowly, leaning down, hands still intertwined with Donghyuck, and kissing him every time he fucks in. 

Donghyuck squeezes his eyes tight through his climax, mouth parted slightly and Johnny watches the expressions on his face, the heat of his arousal coiling in his stomach. Donghyuck’s come is sticky between their bodies, and it only takes a few more thrusts before Johnny is coming as well.

He pulls out, ties the condom and throws it into the bin. He grabs the pyjama pants he threw off the side of the bed and uses it to wipe the both of them clean. Johnny doesn’t want to risk waking up the other members if he goes out to get a washcloth. 

Donghyuck eyes are closed throughout all of it, but when Johnny makes himself comfortable in the spot next to him and pulls the cover over them, Donghyuck curls in tight. They’re both still naked, and luckily Johnny locked the door when he got up to get supplies, but he reminds himself to wake up early to make sure they’re decent.

“Stop thinking, hyung,” Donghyuck says, from where his head is leaning on Johnny’s arm. “I can hear you.”

“Sorry.” Johnny smiles slightly and then presses a kiss to Donghyuck’s hair. “Go to sleep.”

“Mm,” Donghyuck mumbles. “You too.”

Johnny isn’t sure what will happen next. There’s a feeling inside him that says he’ll wake up tomorrow with deep regret and realise how terrible this idea was, but for now, he listens to the sound of Donghyuck’s even breaths and goes to sleep.


End file.
